Mom Problems

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

There are a whole new set of issues I have my in my life that I never had before kids.

I now know way more about other people's bodily functions that I ever wanted to know.  It takes me 20 minutes to get from the house door to the car door.  Shoes are never, ever, I repeat NEVER where you last left them.  And don't even get me started on matching socks.  And where do all those hair ties really go?

Well, those are all to be expected in a life of herding cats.  And I'm not here to complain about my adventures with my darlings.  What I am here to complain about is the most evil thing that has come into my life post children....

SPANX.

If you are male, please just close this tab now.  You will never understand.

Now for me, my spanx are usually reserved for things like weddings.  You know, those few nights a year where you want to look extra good in the party dress that once upon a time hugged you in all the right places.  Well now those huggable places need an extra tight and suffocating strangle to get into that perfect dress.

The other day it was BEAUTIFUL out!  I pulled out a sun dress.  I usually try to throw a pair of short short work out shorts (you know, they type you would never actually wear to the gym because they are way to skimpy and the minute you downward dogged good lord knows what you would be showing!)  under my dresses in case one of my children lifts up my dress.

Yes, flashing strangers happens with children.  It is even worse with long dresses.  That might sound impossible but with a long dress the kids think you have a blanket attached - so their minds naturally go something like this...  blanket fort on the go, THANKS MOM.  Mom problems.

But the other day both of my pair of itsy, bitsy, tiney weeny shorts were MIA.  WHAT!  They were probably with some massive pile of hair ties. I was already dressed at this point in time and it was time to walk out the door to get the kids to school.  But I couldn't leave without my short shorts!  After my quick tornado of a search all I could uncover from the way deep, dark pits of my drawer were my spanx.  I thought about it for a second, and realized that since they covered everything this was really my only true alternative.  I squeezed into them.  I changed my breathing patterns and took the children to school.

That entire day, I wore my spanx.  No one saw my bum.  And I probably looked hot.  But I couldn't tell - my oxygen supply was cut off to part of my body.

I was never so happy for that afternoon to get back home.  Good bye spanx.  Let the breathing return to normal.

I had a big glass of wine.  Wearing those suckers all day long without any alcohol to the numb the pain was not cool.

Mom problems.
Just trying not to flash.
The struggle is real.

#realmomsweargray

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